Lost In My Mind
by MoonGoddessSerenity
Summary: The life Merlin knew is gone.  Gaius is going to burn because Arthur is too weak to do anything, and Merlin knows that he'll be next.  Why not just give up?  Because he's not the only one who will suffer.  An alternate ending to The Witchfinder.  Oneshot


_"Put your dreams away for now, I won't see you for some time...'Cause there are stars up above, We can start moving forward" – The Head and the Heart, "Lost in My Mind"_

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><p>Merlin was on edge. Gwen was pleading with Arthur to stop it, something he knew he would have less of a chance with. He glanced at the pile, atop which the only man who had ever been like a father to him—had practically <em>been<em> his father since coming to Camelot—was tied. Gaius couldn't die today. He just couldn't. But he looked so prepared, a pillar of white marble. He'd always been that, though. Gaius had always been a pillar, always strong, always there.

And then the torch dropped.

Merlin couldn't look away. He shoved his way to the front of the crowd, but Gaius shot him a look that made him stop where he was. Merlin's ideas were not unknown to him, and his look clearly said that Merlin was not to use his magic to save his life. And it _killed_ Merlin inside, because this was one of the things he could not deny Gaius, especially as a last request. But then again, if he _did _ignore everything that the older man wanted, would it not be something _other_ than a last request? Merlin grappled with the decision in his head, unable to properly handle the hurricane of emotions that whirled inside of him.

The flames grew higher, and Gaius disappeared. He went quietly into the flames, and Merlin fell to his knees. Something inside of him had broken, then, because it was all past the point of anything he could do, even with his powers. He knew no spell to keep the physician from burning, no potion to heal burns of that magnitude or to restore life. There was so little that he _did _know, and so much that Gaius had left to teach him. So many things he would never learn. In that moment, a life was stolen from Merlin, one that he hadn't realized he'd grown so attached to. But it was a future he would never have because of the lies of Aredian, the blindness of Uther, and the weakness of Arthur.

He heard Gwen come to stand next to him, and could practically feel the tears streaming down her face. They didn't even come close to matching the sorrow on Merlin's face, not even if she had all the water in the world. He felt her hand rest on his shoulder, shaking as it squeezed. She knew that there were no words that could possibly comfort Merlin right now. Her gesture was not unappreciated, though, and he finally placed a hand on top of hers to make sure she knew.

Long after everyone else had left, Merlin was still on the ground as they cleared away the ash. As far as he was concerned, Gaius was no longer there; rationale for why he could not look at what was left behind. He wasn't looking at anything, anyway. Images of Gaius danced in front of his eyes, from the very moment he'd saved the physician's life up until today. Every time that Gaius had scolded him, or praised him; discouraged and encouraged his gifts, and sacrificed something for him. Merlin had taken it all for granted, and now was left with a void in his life where love had once been.

At some point, he found himself back in the physician's chambers. Everything was left as if Gaius would walk in at any moment, eyebrows cocked in the way that meant he knew Merlin was up to no good. Books were still opened to potions that needed to be brewed; jars of herbs were arranged in colorful groups atop the wood tables. Merlin gently rested his fingers atop one of the open books. Gaius's spectacles were askew on the page, and seeing them set him off again. He sank to the floor and pulled his knees into his chest and sobbed. Some were dry, but most were muffled by his tears; each one a memory he would never have.

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><p>"The boy, Merlin," Aredian bellowed for the second time in the last few days. The Witchfinder had resumed his hunt, telling Uther that there were more sorcerers within the city than the king would have liked to believe. Granted, he was completely right, but after falsely accusing Gaius, Merlin was wearing thin.<p>

"Aredian, this is the second time you've accused my servant," Arthur drawled, "and I am still far from convinced that _Mer_lin could be a sorcerer."

"Sires, I took the liberty of re-examining the sorcerer's chambers—" his words made Merlin's blood boil, "—and found this." He produced a poultice from his coat, passing it to Uther. "It is my belief that the sorcerer was teaching the boy the dark arts in case anything happened to him."

"I've never seen that in my li—"

"How _dare_ you speak in my court," Uther hissed. The king visibly bore guilt over having to execute Gaius, but not enough for Merlin's liking. Fortunately for the servant, Arthur had been most lenient with chores as of late. Though appreciated, Merlin was not exactly on speaking terms with the prince. He had every opportunity to stop the madness, but he was too afraid of his father to make a stand. Merlin would never forgive him for that.

"My lord, I would ask to question the boy about it. If he is found to be innocent," he glanced at Merlin, "then he should have nothing to worry about."

The court turned to gaze at Merlin. If Gaius was still there, this wouldn't be happening. He wouldn't feel like everything was about to crumble around him, or that anyone who had remote trust in him was jumping ship. He also wouldn't be contemplating revealing himself so he could flee from Camelot and never look back, abandoning his destiny altogether.

"I have nothing to hide," he finally said, sounding far more confident than he felt.

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><p>Merlin had been in the dungeon for about a week. Aredian was relentless with his interrogation, barely giving him time to rest, or to eat, and hardly time to think about anything and gather his thoughts. But every time he was dragged from his cell, he adamantly spoke of his innocence. In a few short days, Merlin had become hard; as cold and unyielding as stone, something that he never thought he'd be. Aredian was not having it, though. Both men knew that they were going to be there for a long time before Merlin confessed to a crime he did not commit. But Aredian was patient. He was more than willing to outlast Merlin's will, something he was sure he could.<p>

It was mid-afternoon, and Merlin was sitting on the floor of his cell, dirty and tired. He was about to drift off to sleep when he heard the dungeon door swing open, followed by footsteps. He prepared himself to be awoken again and dragged out for a round of questions he wouldn't answer, but instead his eyes flew open at a familiar woman's voice.

"Please, there must be some mistake— let me _go_!"

Two guards were dragging the Lady Morgana into the cell next to Merlin's, Aredian just behind them. She looked so scared, even more so than when confronted with waking from her dreams. She was tossed, somewhat roughly, behind the bars, and the door locked. Merlin scrambled to his feet, giving Aredian a rather confused expression, which did not go unnoticed.

"It would seem," the Witchfinder said, "that the Lady Morgana is among your ranks, Sorcerer. Though I think you already knew as much, didn't you?"

"She has nothing to do with anything," Merlin said firmly.

"Oh, but you do?" He stepped closer to Merlin's cell. "Do you wish to confess, now?"

Merlin took a moment to gather his thoughts. "The only thing I wish to confess," he said slowly, "is my innocence."

"Have it your way, then." Aredian and the guards departed the dungeon, leaving an angry Merlin and a frightened Morgana alone. He glanced through the bars at the girl next to him. She was beginning to pull herself together, but not as much as she would have probably liked to. He took a quick assessment of her, and was almost positive that she wouldn't last long if Aredian started to treat her as he'd been treated. It stirred something inside him that he'd forgotten about, but only a bit.

"Are you alright?"

"As well as can be expected," she brushed dirt off of her dress. "Uther just completely betrayed everything he promised my father and had me thrown in the dungeon for crimes I did not commit, but I'll survive, I'm sure." She looked at Merlin, suddenly more concerned with his well-being than her own. "What's he done to you?"

"It's nothing, really." He turned away and attempted to rub some of the dirt off his face and hide the bruises.

"Merlin?"

"Hm?"

"I…I'm so sorry, about Gaius."

There was a pang in Merlin's heart, and he pursed his lips, unable to turn around. He was afraid that if he did, he would see the sincerity in Morgana's face, and the stone exterior he'd developed would crumble at her feet.

"Thanks."

"If it counts for anything, I told Uther exactly what I thought of him for being so cowardly."

Merlin didn't respond, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth; leave it to Morgana to tell Uther things that many thought.

"Merlin?"

"Yes, Morgana?" He almost sounded irritated, and regretted it instantly.

"Can I ask you something?"

He shrugged, still facing the wall.

"Do you…I mean, you don't have to answer, but…what Aredian's after…is it true? Are you…?"

Merlin turned very slowly to face her. She had moved closer to the bars separating their cells, wearing an expression that plainly showed how desperate she was for the truth. He was so tempted to tell her the truth, something she had deserved for so long, just so that she'd know she wasn't alone. But then Gaius's voice echoed in his mind, reminding him of every time he'd been warned against telling anyone about his gift.

"Are you?"

Morgana shrunk away from the bars, hurt at the cold tone Merlin used. He felt awful about how he was acting, but he couldn't be the servant that she knew just then. As much as he cared for her, he could not risk telling her the truth, and in turn, her telling Aredian what he was in hopes of saving her own skin. He sat against the far wall with a sigh. Morgana was not one to throw her friends to the wolves, and he was ashamed for even letting the thought pass through his mind as brief as it had.

Morgana was taken from her cell later and subjected to whatever form of interrogation the Witchfinder found fitting. Merlin could her hear crying, and the occasional shriek reached his ears, no matter how hard he tried to block it out. He was sure that, if he thought hard enough, he could recall some spell he'd glanced over that would let him help her, but at what cost? He had no escape plan, so even if they made it out of the dungeon, they wouldn't get much farther than that. Not only would they have escaped from the dungeons, but Merlin at least would have revealed his magic, and both would be killed on sight. And he _hated_ that he could do nothing to help Morgana. She seemed so fragile, so unlike the lady he was used to seeing in court. He'd grown used to it, but that was him; he had nothing left to live for except that Gaius would not want him to give up.

Morgana was thrown back into her cell, and Merlin pulled from his. The boy had noticed that Aredian's favorite interrogation technique with him was having his head plunged in and out of a bucket of water. Merlin had become quite good at holding his breath in the last few days. But he did not stray from his profession of normality, his denial of magic. By the time he was deposited in his cell again, the torches had to be lit as the Sun had long since set behind the trees.

Merlin watched after the Witchfinder and guards as they walked away, listening in on the orders being passed along. Much to his relief, it seemed that Aredian had business to attend to in the lower town that evening; probably providing more hallucinogens to the unsuspecting and accusing the innocent of treason. Still, it meant that there might be a full night of rest ahead, a thought that he hadn't dare let cross his mind since being put in his current predicament.

Hours passed in silence, or maybe it was only a few moments; Merlin hadn't been paying attention. There was a shivering sound from Morgana's cell and he glanced over. It was dark in the corner the sound came from, but he managed to make out the green of Morgana's dress where she sat, curled into herself as tightly as possible. She looked how Merlin felt the first few days he'd been down there, with no idea what was going to happen. He still had no idea, but he'd suppressed his fear.

"How are you holding up?" he finally asked, causing the lady to jump.

"All right, I suppose. Aredian is a cruel man."

Merlin nodded, resting his arms atop his knees. He looked out his cell at the rest of the dungeon, empty where they were. The guards stood around the corner, he knew, guarding the only exit. There was a shuffle of fabric across the straw, but he didn't turn.

"Merlin I…I'm frightened. What are they going to do to us?"

"Aredian will probably continue to use whatever techniques he thinks necessary until you and I confess to crimes we did not commit, and then Uther will burn us."

"You never used to sound so cold, Merlin; you used to be so full of love and compassion. What has _happened_ to you?"

Merlin looked over at Morgana, now. She was sitting close to the bars, her delicate, pale fingers wrapped around them, looking at him in confusion. The poor girl was still trying to cling to any idea of things returning to how they were, and he pitied that, because he knew that the truth of both of them had been revealed without a single spell being cast. Things would never be the same.

"Gaius is gone, Morgana; I've been tortured for the last week or so, and I'm probably going to be killed because Uther is so full of fear. The world is not as kind as I wish it was; how can you expect me to be full of love and compassion when there is none left?"

"Because you've always been better than that, Merlin; I thought you would be the one person that would always be smiling. But if you can't find the good in anything anymore, then I suppose you aren't the man I thought you were, and we really are doomed."

It caught Merlin off guard to hear her talk about him with such sincerity. She was clearly hurt by how he'd become, and it made him take a step back and look at himself. He had no need to act like he was towards her; he'd always cared about her, and now that it was the two of them against the world, he had no reason to push her away.

"I'm sorry; I really am." He scooted next to the bars and placed his hand on top of hers. "I'm scared, too."

She smiled, relieved to see the Merlin that she knew showing through at last. He had to dig deep to find his own smile, but when he did, it was brilliant and goofy and just what she needed to see right then.

"Thank you," she whispered, resting her forehead against the bars. She clasped the hand he'd placed on hers and held it tight. Merlin felt his pulse quicken, and was surprised by it. He rested his head back against the corner where metal met stone, and smiled to himself.

"You know," he said slowly, "I have a confession to make."

"Oh?" He'd perked her interest.

"Yeah; do you remember when I became Arthur's servant?"

"I do; you saved his life at a feast. Lady Helen was not really Lady Helen?"

"Right. Well, earlier, before the feast, Gaius asked me to bring your medicine to you. For some reason, you assumed I was Gwen, and…"

"Oh _God_," she leaned her head back, next to where Merlin's was, "how _embarrassing_."

"I tried to get out of it! I didn't want you to think I was a pervert or something!"

Morgana started to laugh then, and the sound was sweet to Merlin's ears. "I'm sure you did, really. I can't believe I did that!"

He grinned. "It seems so long ago…but, I guess I should say that it was the first time I'd ever seen you and knew who you were. I'd seen you the day before at your window, when there was an execution. But, seeing you up close…" he trailed off, embarrassed.

"Merlin, there's no point in you getting embarrassed now; tell me."

"I had never seen anyone so beautiful before."

Even in the dim dungeon light, her blush was clearly visible. It was then that she realized she still was holding his hand, and began to run her thumb back and forth across it. It was such a simple, absent-minded gesture, but more passed between them in that moment than either could have articulated.

As they sat in comfortable silence, Merlin sat up and pulled his hand away from Morgana. She was confused, but watched as he put his hands together, creating a hollow space between his palms that she could not see. He had realized that, if they were going to have any hope of getting out alive, she would need to know his deepest secret. And it was scary, because he had never intentionally revealed his gift to anyone in Camelot, ever. His heart pounding, he took a deep breath.

"_Blóstma_."

Morgana watched, shocked, as Merlin's eyes flashed from the deep blue to gold and back again. He slowly opened his hands, and there in his palm was a small red rosebud. He passed it through the bars to her and waited for her to say something.

Morgana took the flower, wide-eyed and shocked. She stared at it, turning it by the stem for what felt like ages. When she looked at Merlin, his expression resembled a puppy that was unsure if it was to be scolded or not. He was terrified of what her reaction might be, and with good reason.

"All this time…and you never said a word…"

"Morgana, I _wanted _to, believe me. You don't know how many times I wanted nothing more than to tell you exactly what I could do, but Gaius…" his voice cracked, "Gaius wouldn't let me. He thought that, if _anyone_ knew, I'd be killed immediately. And you, you're the king's ward. What else could I do?"

"You mean you couldn't _trust me_?"

"I was _scared_!"

"Well so was I! I thought I was alone, that no one around me had any idea what I was going through, but you _knew_!"

"I tried to help you as much as I could, Morgana! Really, I did. That's why I tried to get you to the Druids. I thought that, if I wasn't allowed to help you, at least I could show you to people who could."

"A lot of good that did; I had to come back to Camelot when all I wanted was to stay."

"That wasn't my fault; well, not entirely." He sighed; he was trying his hardest to make her understand. "Morgana, do you know how I felt when I realized you and I were the same, but I couldn't tell you? The only other person in Camelot who knew the truth about me was Gaius. I wanted desperately to tell you, to share with you, so that neither of us would be alone. And I'm so, so sorry that things didn't work out like I'd hoped."

They lapsed back into silence while Morgana thought. Merlin pressed his head against the bars, worn down from how he'd been treated for days, exhausted, and desperate to have her accept him. He jumped a bit when she took his hand again, and looked up to see that she had moved closer to him.

"I understand; I suppose that it's all just a bit much for me to take right now."

"I know, I know. We're in this together, though. And I promise you, we're going to get out of here. I'm going to think of something, and we can run. We'll…I dunno, we'll go somewhere far from Camelot, far away from Uther."

"And we'll stay together, right? You won't leave me somewhere?"

"Of course we'll stay together. Morgana, we're going to—"

But Merlin didn't finish his sentence. Morgana had pressed her lips against his through the bars, and any thought he had left his mind. It was sweet, tender, and so full of love that nothing else was important in that moment except for the two of them. When they did finally break apart, the grin on Merlin's face was bigger than he ever remembered it being. Every stone wall he built crumbled before Morgana, for everything she was, and he was more than fine with it.

"Were you saying something?" she mumbled, face still incredibly close to his.

"I…I was…" he trailed off. And then, an idea struck him. He'd used it before, sure, but he was at least sure that it would work. "We're getting out of here. Tonight."

"Do you have a plan?"

"Sort of."

"_Merlin_!" she hissed.

"Morgana, do you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you."

He grinned at her, and she couldn't help but smile back. He stood up and peered through the front of the cell. He could see the shadow of the guard just around the corner, and saw the suit of armor next to them. He took a deep breath and raised his hand.

"_Ic bebíede fealle_!"

There was a crash, but not as loud as he thought it would be. He could see the guard's body sprawled across the floor, the suit in pieces on top of him. Merlin sighed, relieved.

"Good thing that worked."

"You mean you didn't _know_?"

"Well it worked, didn't it?" He turned his attention to the door of his cell and Morgana's. "_Tospringe_!" The doors flew open, and he darted into her cell, grabbed her hand, and the two fled from the dungeon.

"We're going to be caught," Morgana whispered.

Merlin pressed a finger to his lips, and she was quiet. They moved quickly and quietly through the castle, stopping only when they heard guards coming. At every corner, they knew that there was a possibility of being caught, but Merlin didn't care anymore. He couldn't sit and wait for Aredian to do something to draw a confession from him, or Morgana, and kill them both. His destiny might be Arthur, but how could he help Arthur if he was dead? If they could make it out of the castle, they would be as good as home free. And one day, he and Morgana would return, and hopefully Arthur would be ready to become the king he was meant to be, and let Merlin do whatever he was supposed to for that to happen. Merlin was ready to head to the main gate when Morgana pulled him down another hallway.

"This way," she urged. "That passage in the armory, remember?"

The moved down the hall and ducked inside the armory, and Merlin opened the secret passage tucked behind one of the many shields. The two crawled through the small space, and emerged outside the palace walls. They ran to the stables, where Morgana took her horse and Merlin mounted one black as night. They had no plan, no food, and no destination, but, as they road off into the night, they had their freedom, and each other.

And for the moment, that was all that mattered.

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><p><strong>AN: Please review, my darlings; this one's been killing me for God knows how long, and I'd love to know what you think of it.**


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